Author: L.A. Cannon

Series: Artificial Suicide

First Published: 13 November 2024

“I’m always gonna be on your side, even if you’re wrong.”

I will start by saying that I was given an ARC copy in exchange for an honest review. These opinions are my own. Thank you so much to L.A. Cannon for sending a copy my way!

Life never goes as planned. Beneath our dreams and goals lies something that’s completely out of our control—fate.

At least that was how Noah Sørensen felt as he reflected on his past. His struggles. His mistakes. The happy moments, the sad ones, and, of course, him. Kaj Larsen.

They grew up together in a small town, navigating through the confusion of puberty as they figured themselves out and fell in love for the first time. But then tragedy hit, triggering a series of events that gave way to a painful end.

Until their paths cross again, toying with the thin line between attraction and hate.

Oh, my heart! I knew this would be angsty and messy, but this was on another level. The ending just about broke me. How are we coming back from this? I need to know! My emotions were flying everywhere, and I loved every second.

If I Were to Die follows Noah Sorensen and Kaj Larsen as they grow up in a small town. Their pair become fast friends. They can’t imagine a moment when the other wouldn’t be in their life. This is a beautifully harrowing coming-of-age story, where we see Noah and Kaj figure out who they are and where their place is in the world. A series of tragedies sees them draw closer together before it tears them apart. Noah and Kaj cross paths again as adults, where they realize there is a fine line between attraction and hate. Against their better judgment, they end up in a situationship where they can unleash their sexual desires, but the ghosts of their past ensure this will only ever end in pain.

First off, I loved this, and in particular, I love the way it’s told. The sections told from their teen years are from Noah’s perspective, with the present-day sections from Kaj’s point of view. This makes those tragic events extra harrowing as we must piece together what’s happening through Noah’s eyes.

Noah is a shy and awkward kid. He’s new to town and has been getting bullied until Kaj shows up determined to be his friend. Watching Noah become surer of himself and feel confident enough to take up space in the world warmed my heart. There’s the beautiful moment where we see him struggling to support Kaj, which hit me in the feels. There are times when we want to help those we love but can’t since we don’t have the emotional capacity to assist, but it took me by surprise, and I wholly understood it. My heart ached for Noah with the embarrassment and hurt he felt when they broke up. I can’t wait to see him in the present timeline to see how uni and his life have been treating him. He has this classic sad-boy vibe, so I’m hoping he gets the chance to heal.

Kaj, my poor baby. Seeing how this beautiful, happy kid became this troubled, bitter adult broke my heart. We can only guess the sheer amount of violence and mistreatment that was thrown his way. I am interested in getting his point of view in the sequel, so we understand more of what happened to him.

I adore how Kaj and Noah’s relationship is the story’s focus. We see them from when they are young teens becoming friends with their queer awakening to their harrowing break up. I adored seeing the development of their relationship. I giggled and kicked my feet when they first got together and cried when it ended. They reconnect as adults, and their dynamic is purely sexual and toxic as all hell. The pair can’t seem to stay away from each other. And while they refuse to talk about their past, they can’t help but hurt each other repeatedly.

I adore the exploration we get of Noah and Kaj’s queer identity. Noah is the focal character, as the story is told from his perspective, and we see him struggling with not feeling sexual attraction, the same as his friends. He needs an emotional connection to feel it. On the flip side, Kaj is bi and struggles a little bit with his growing feelings for Noah since he’s previously only ever been interested in women. I think it was a beautiful way to highlight the diversity and individuality of people’s queer identity.

I adore the music elements that L.A. Cannon has woven into this story. The boys—with their two friends—decide to start a band. I loved seeing the musical history they were given as Noah’s mum and Kaj’s dad shared the who’s who of rock and roll. It felt so authentic and reminded me of what it was like to find new bands. I have my fingers and toes crossed that we get more music in the sequel.

The found family vibes here were immaculate. I love how Noah’s friends support him through his breakup and Kaj freezing them all out. The way they fully support and care for one another is so wholesome — a beautiful moment of light amongst the dark. Also, I loved Noah’s mum. I would love a book about her. She was a roadie in her youth, giving it all up to care for Noah and her aging mother. I hope we see more from these side characters, even though the next one will be from Kaj’s point of view.

If I Were to Die made me feel all the feels. Kaj and Noah are precious babies who must be protected from all the bad things. I am dying for the sequel. If you love a dark rockstar romance that has a whole heap of angst, coming-of-age vibes, and a rollercoaster of a queer romance, this is 100% the book for you.